For most of my 30s I would wake in the morning with this underlying anxiety that would hit me with a subtle waive of nausea. The thoughts that accompanied this feeling would all be centered around this theme of “running out of time to prove my feminine worthiness”. In my mind I was racing against time, I was racing against myself and I also felt as though as I was racing against other women- which is a perpetuating factor, I believe, in our current imbalances. Above all, I felt alone. When we don’t connect and learn from one another we also perpetuate a shame around our bodies not working, not being loved, not loving ourselves and so on. This separation just compounds the feelings of unworthiness and embarrassment at being (insert age here) without a man and a baby- a perfect picture of balanced family-career-love.
I was asked by a man recently “how can you support yourself doing what you do?” Why did you choose “these ways?”
I have never heard my Mother’s Voice. It lay in decay under the headstones of her losses. But, all decay can compost itself through worm dreams and seedlings and find its way to the light.
She was silenced long ago and has been riddled with illness all my life. I lost her young when I left my home, her and my three younger brothers behind. It ripped her heart out and, yet, she knew I had to go. I have wandered in the streets of my own dark night for decades in search of her touch, her song and a somewhere we could be together again. Her story has formed much of my own narrative.
Write the wrongs that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen in a piece of marble. Let go of emotions such as resentment and retaliation, which diminish you, and hold onto the emotions, such as gratitude and joy, which increase you. ~Arabic Proverb
Welcome to the Ancestral portal. The veil is thin, the forgotten songs of the Earth and its people are heard in the wind that now moves freely among the hollow bone of the bare naked trees. The Ancestors are alive, beside you, within you and waiting to guide you back to the path Life mapped out so you could walk towards your greatest desire.
When I began my journey in this most profound path of devotion to Life, I would find myself in many “spiritual arenas” with prayer and ritual. In every circle I have ever sat in, the Ancestors would find their way into the prayers and the intentions within the hearts of the people. It was the first time I had consciously allowed the word Ancestor to penetrate my soul.
A couple of weeks ago I was asked by a man in the community, who leads Rights of Passage (ROP) initiations for young men, to gather a small group of wise women to speak with the new initiates and the men who are supporting them.
He asked that the women come forth and speak about a wound, a blessing and share some wisdom around what we feel young men need to hear from us. As the young men are 14 years of age he gave us an hour to honor their attention span.
Here is a picture. It might not seem like much to you. But if you look closely it holds an ancient myth- of a woman and a tree.
It is April 19, 2019, a full moon as well as my 42nd birthday. I have just emerged from initiation- a quest for life, vision and permission. This is the
only picture that was taken. I can hear my mama sayin’- “I can’t see your beautiful face”. Oh but mama dear look close and you will see the 1000 faces of Her in the silhouette of a woman and a tree.
“We do not care for what we do not know. We do not know what we cannot name.”Sharon Blackie
When all women are in tune with and listening to their wombs and following their hearts, the Earth will restore to balance again…
There is an amazing man in my life who has the sensitivities to feel into the feminine dynamics within himself and others. In one of our heart to hearts he said~
“Women are the most intelligent species I know of. Every woman knows what she wants in her heart. If every woman listened to that voice, and followed it, life in and around her would restore to balance”
It was a few months ago that I met the Salmon Spirit. I was attending an Imbolc and plant medicine class and had an encounter with a plant that brought me on a journey to the sacred laws of reciprocity through the body and life of the Salmon. A dream message that slowly revealed its lesson through lived experiences that awakened a full awareness of my impact on the whole organism of life. (The full story will come forth as I allow myself to fully digest the gift of this insight.)
The Salmon is cross culturally symbolic as a totem of knowledge and reciprocity. The Salmon’s journey and dream is one of service and initiation. [Read more…] about Words on Death and Nourishment from the Salmon Spirit